Feeling wrong or inappropriate

Some of us constantly worry that we are somehow being inappropriate. We just have the feeling of being wrong, without being able to identify what it is that we have done.

Perhaps this comes from a fear of punishment, or rejection. We may have been punished as children for our behavior, but not clearly understood what we actually did wrong. Or we may have been rejected a lot but not understood why.

This can lead us to become hypervigilant – always worrying about our behavior. How tiring! It can affect our self confidence, if we always worry about doing something wrong. We cannot have trust in ourselves and we cannot have the confidence we need to go for what we really want in life.

We are the ones who decide what is OK or not in our behavior. If we do something to upset other people, we are going to notice, because their behavior toward us will change and they will clearly let us know. Usually, others will not pay attention to us, or interact with us in a friendly way. That’s because our behavior is fine.

If something happens that shows we upset someone, or did something wrong, we will notice because of the evidence. Without the evidence, we don’t need to pay attention to it.

We don’t need to waste our creative energy on worrying about our behavior. We can just go and do what we are inspired to do. Our wisdom will inform us if there is a problem.

Feeling wrong or inappropriate

The self defeating mind

Our minds are set up for stability, for continuity. We preserve and protect the beliefs we learn as children. Yet we cause ourselves suffering as a result.

With the current state of our earthly cultures, is typical that we hold false beliefs about the world. We learn these beliefs as children, and rather than correct them as we gain independence, we preserve them. Our reward is membership in self-defeating communities.

Rather than question our beliefs and fears, we protect them. When the conflict of a false belief rises in our mind, we push it down. We use different strategies to distract ourselves from the conflict. We take risks, we overeat, we externalize it as blame. We put so much energy into avoiding our inner conflict.

To take the opposite approach and correct our beliefs, requires less effort than avoiding them. Yet it causes us much more discomfort than avoidance. If we don’t make that decision to bear the discomfort and correct our false beliefs, we only defeat ourselves. Along with the inner conflict, we also avoid the success we seek in life. Eventually, at the end of our time in our bodies, we have accumulated so much suffering and regret that there is little possibility of happiness.

The discomfort of lifelong struggle with ourselves, and a dissatisfying life, is our reward for not committing to a short lived greater discomfort. Its better that we make our choice based on the long term outcomes. A short term difficulty followed by more happiness – or life long dissatisfaction.

The self defeating mind

Abandon the fairy tale success

Its time to abandon the fairy tale. That version of success given to us by others. The great career, the riches, the fame, the power.

Motivational speakers say it is just a matter of having the right mindset, and developing that mindset. Many try and fail, and feel they are to blame for not trying hard enough, or not doing it right. Few people can benefit from pursuing such a mindset, because only those few have that as their hearts desire. That version of success is only possible for a few.  Motivational speakers will openly tell us to apply their techniques to our version of success, but its not much use to us when we bring along a version of success that we got from our brainwashing.

We can still have success, but it must be OUR version of success, matching our hearts desire. Chances are its not the fairy tale version. We can develop a mindset of abundance for our version of success. But we must first discard the version of success we received in our childhood brainwashing. Then we can identify our hearts desire and develop a mindset to match it.

Maybe we already know what our hearts desire really is, and we can immediately begin to construct the mindset to match it. We can learn from motivational speakers and apply what we learn to our version of success. We see people like this at the success seminars, talking about their success. We can see their excitement, so its no surprise they are achieving the success that their hearts desire. Lucky them.

Chances are our childhood brainwashing was so effective, we have lost touch with our real self and our hearts true desire. We must first identify and destroy the fairy tale success. Piece by piece we can question it, to see if we really get excited or feel dread about it. As we deconstruct, we will develop an awareness of what really excites us, what our version of success is.

An essential part of the brainwashing is the belief that other forms of success are bad, selfish, impossible, etc. Should we let our brainwashing tell us right and wrong, possible and impossible? It is the brainwashing that is a crime against our right to succeed. We can keep working on our version of success and not let an immoral society tell us what is right and wrong. Without a clear decision to discard these beliefs, we can’t reconstruct our version of success. We can be ruthless with those versions of success that don’t excite us.

We must make room in our mind for OUR version of success. The fairy tale has to go.

Abandon the fairy tale success

Not Trusting the Universe

Many of us dont trust the universe. We see the world as separate from us and hostile. A place where we can get hurt. This is what we have learned from our traumatic experiences, especially in childhood. Its fair to say that an experience that causes us to believe the universe is not a safe place, that cant be trusted, is a traumatic experience.

If traumatic experiences are severe enough, we can develop a set of beliefs that place us in opposition to the world for the rest of our lives. We may think that:

  •  the world is against us,
  •  there is no hope,
  •  there is no point in trying,
  •  other people will only hurt us,
  •  we are unworthy,
  •  etc…

If we do nothing to correct these misunderstandings, we will live a life of poverty with regard to that part of the universe that we reject. We will exclude all things we believe will harm us. For the most extreme levels of trauma and child abuse, we may end up like a poor hermit, having learned to fear family, friends, money, community, even place – all the things associated with our trauma. There is no limit to our capacity to exclude, but we will only do so for a good reason.

The reality is that we are an inseparable part of the universe and our beliefs shape and manifest our experience in life. We are able to exclude things from our lives because we are part of the universe, OF the universe. If we were separate from the universe, we would have no power to influence or exclude any of it.

Without these false beliefs, we can trust the universe. We can be a part of the world and enjoy our time in it. We will see all the opportunities presented to us. We will get excited about things and pursue our dreams. We will understand:

  •  we are with the world,
  •  there is opportunity,
  •  our dreams are achievable,
  •  other people want us in their community,
  •  we are worthy,

In our wisdom we can exclude those parts of the world that dont serve us, and place ourselves according to our wishes. We can attract what we want around us.

However, for those of us who hold these negative beliefs about the universe, there is work to be done. It took time and suffering to take on these beliefs. It will take time and effort to correct them.

Our minds go through phases. When we are in the phase of sadness or depression, that is the time to choose to express those feelings. We can find a safe place for this and decide to not express onto other people, nor to make any life decisions based on sadness or depressed thinking. Its a time to creatively express those emotions and allow them to come out naturally. When we allow this we will also notice the beliefs that are associated with these feelings. We have the opportunity to question those beliefs and correct them.

Beliefs make use sad because they are in conflict with what we deeply know to be true. Some limits we know to be true and we can accept, and never feel sad about it. It is the sadness that tells us we believe things that are not true.

Not Trusting the Universe

Misfortune is self guidance

In our material cultural perspective, misfortune is a bad thing that gets in the way of enjoying life. Yet, there is a widely recognised wisdom that understands that misfortune has benefits … somehow.

From the point of view that recognises the interconnectedness of all things, misfortune becomes a reflection of our state of being. Moreover, it is self guidance. The universal self uses misfortune in the same way as fortune: to guide our path in life.

Misfortune is a push, fortune is a pull. We can benefit from analysing both.

Typically, in the interests of not having to change our stubborn minds, we resist misfortune, and often fortune. To resist, leads inevitably to dissatisfaction and a feeling of being stuck in life.

As a further confirmation of an interconnected point of view, we may observe that a certain kind of misfortune keeps returning to our life. But only because we resist its push. Once we understand it and learn the lesson, it stops returning. If only to make way for the next one.

If we take the time to look at the misfortune and see how it guides us, especially in combination with the pull of fortune, we can see which direction we are being guided. It may terrify us at first, but we get used to it, and put our trust in that guidance. If we resist, we suffer.

Misfortune is a tool for us to use. It is designed to teach and guide us. Once we look at it in this way, we can use it to speed up the progress along our path in life.

Misfortune is self guidance

Perfection is useless

Perfection is a standard that can prevent us from getting things done. it implies that the goal is a standard, rather than completion.

In reality, perfection is a standard based on the opinions of others. if we judge our tasks by those standards, we will not be able to complete things easily. depending on the details of our version of perfection, we may need to do twice as much work, or even more, to complete our tasks. The requirement of perfection may turn an ordinary task into a daunting, even impossible one. We may even give up before we start, overwhelmed by the requirement of perfection.

Rather, we should be concerned about doing just enough to get the task done satisfactorily. Isn’t this what most people do? “Good enough” gets things done, everywhere we look. This doesn’t mean we have to meet a standard that is LESS than good enough. All goals have a standard. If its not done well enough, it isn’t really done. But perfection is something completely different, an unreasonably high standard.

This is especially true when we take action to improve our own lives. it is OUR lives, WE are the ones to decide what is good enough. if we try to apply other peoples values to our achievements, we find our independence is lost. we then live according to someone else’s recipe for life and happiness.

Discard the pursuit of someone else’s perfection. it is useless and just prevents us from being in control of our own lives. we decide what standard is required for each of our goals. time wasted on trying to achieve a higher standard than is necessary, just leaves us less time to get on with the next thing. it delays our life and wastes our time.

We will never become happy except by our own criteria.

Perfection is useless

Self-destructive behavior

It is increasingly understood that self-destructive behavior is an expression of past child abuse or trauma. Yet it seems illogical that survivors of abuse would harm themselves rather than the abuser.

But, on the level of energy, self-destructive behavior makes sense.

We store the essence of our life experiences in our bodies. We can also hide unpleasant past experiences by reducing our connection to that part of the body that stores the essence of that experience. That part of our body is also less connected to our physical immunity and is more susceptible to disease and illness.

After we have survived our traumatic experiences and find a relatively safe life situation, our body’s emotional tools begin to heal the effect of the trauma. We go through the stages of shock, anger, sadness, grief and finally re-empowerment. The essence of the traumatic experience is transformed into an even deeper essence on the spiritual level, that allows our spirit to understand cause and effect, and allows us to avoid actions that lead to harmful outcomes. Most simply, we learn from our experiences at the deepest level and our spirit retains this lesson. Our being returns to a peaceful state and the parts of our body that held that essence return to their normal wellness.

However, in order to survive the extended trauma of war, our culture teaches us to suppress emotional expression, especially negative emotions, and especially crying – we are taught to ‘harden our hearts’. Faced with these restrictions on our self-expression, we turn to deeper defense mechanisms such as self-destructive behavior. It simply stems from the unwavering desire to process the essence of the trauma. That essence must be moved, released, processed, one way or another. We turn to self-destructive behavior to give essential attention to the agitated body. It is like scratching an itch until it is an open wound. We may continue with self-destructive behavior until it becomes another traumatic phase in our life.

On a cultural level, a nation will eventually self-destruct if it cannot find a way out of this self-defeating trap. This final, worst-case outcome protects the human species from groups that follow a non-peaceful path – they will eventually destroy themselves, and the culture that preserves their self-destructive behavior weakens and collapses.

Without understanding why we engage in self-destructive behavior, we cannot easily break out of that strategy, that habit. We remain unaware of the consequence of the cultural restrictions on our emotional expression. We remain a victim of our trauma or abuse until we reject the guidance of our ignorant culture.

Once we encounter information about the cause of our self-destructive behavior, we can return to our emotional healing mechanisms and recover from the past trauma. Starting our recovery, we also end the journey of that trauma from generation to generation, because we become the one that stops the cycle of abuse and trauma. We are not only healing ourselves, but we open the door of healing for those around us and for our culture. More than becoming a recovering individual, we become a healing node in our culture.

Self-destructive behavior